Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
