where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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