i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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