Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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