i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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