just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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