Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My feet surprised me
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