the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
