2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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