I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
