I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
