Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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