My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
