i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
