My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
