I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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