There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
