At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
