I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
