Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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