I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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