My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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