I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.