So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.