Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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