I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
