i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
