I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
