How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
