Please, let me fuck your mom
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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