I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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