My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
