someone threw a dead crab at me
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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