All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
