put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
