Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
