Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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