Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
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Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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