Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
