Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
