I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize