you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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