and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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