I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
