Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
