im six kinds of drunk right now
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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