I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You work out of a Hotel?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My vagina is officially offended.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
