My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
