Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
