Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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