Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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