Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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