A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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