i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
