I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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